My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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