i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
