There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
