apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
