Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize