and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
