You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize