I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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