It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
