Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
