I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
