I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize