On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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