can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize