i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
