I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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