Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
