I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Randomize
