His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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