I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
