Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm at about main and main street
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
