Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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