the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
