I like my sex mixed with concussions.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
