I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Randomize
