he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
