If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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