Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
