i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
