words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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