you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
