i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
