Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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