I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
