the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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