Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
