the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize