i wish there were pregnant emoticons
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
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