The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Mom said you looked used
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
