My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
