they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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