Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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