woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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