so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
