obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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