So drunk its hurt
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
