I murdered the dance floor call the cops
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
