Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
