I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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