I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
