Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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