my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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