when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
