So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
