I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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