i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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