when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
