people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
