I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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