it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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