im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
