so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
