Your tits are I can't wait for
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
