Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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