2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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