last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
