kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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