I wish my penis had an off switch
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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