I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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