life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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