a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
