At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
