I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
We were destined to go to rehab together
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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