HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
