im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
my nose is crying tears of wow.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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