The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize