Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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