i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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