Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
